Monday, March 30, 2009

Why does your face look like that?

I'm getting a little tired of people acting like I have a terminal illness.

Let me back up a bit: I don't have a terminal illness. I'm quite healthy, actually. But others have not-so-subtly pointed out to me that I appear to have a debilitating disease where I graduated from college and now am doing nothing.

Let me back up again: I'm not doing "nothing." I've got a job that I work 30 hours a week at, I'm paying bills, and I'm writing all the time. Sure I don't have an internship or a journalism desk job that takes up 95% of my time yet totals 5% of my income, but I'm only hanging around this town until May. I graduated at the end of December, and I'm leaving at the end of May. That's a total of 5 months where I've had to essentially start from scratch and not only try to hone what skills I've earned with my degree, but also try to save money and salvage my post-college/pre-career existence while I can.

So then why do people who ask me what I'm up to cringe when I tell them "not much, just working and hanging out until I move in May?" It's like this weird reflexive action they have which they just can't seem to hide. There's this look as though I've just told them that my dog died, or that I'm going into rehab, or that I have terminal cancer. This sort of knee-jerk widening of the eyes coupled with a thin, smarmy smile and a phrase that carries an air of mock-understanding and sympathy ("Oh, wow, well good. That's good that you're working.").

Sorry folks, I didn't move home with my parents and I didn't just return to my "home town" because if you want to get technical then my home town was Los Angeles. Seriously Idaho, there are other places besides Coeur d'Alene and Boise. I see people all the time on Myspace or Facebook or in the UI Alumni Magazine (which I receive in the mail now along with a helping of guilt for not financially supporting my alma mater) who moved back tot heir home town and have started some kind of career. A guy I graduated with is now working at a TV station in Twin Falls.

But here's the thing: That's Twin. Falls. Idaho.

And that's fine. Do whatever you'd like and go where you'd like to go. It's just that my aspirations go beyond this state. I don't want to just go back to the comforts of home to a place that's familiar. It's the same reason I didn't do community college right after high school. It's the same reason I didn't just try and get a desk job at the local paper here in Moscow. I like to experience new things. I like to live on the edge of my seat. I like having a warm place to call home, but I also like that place to have a sense of wonder or excitement.

Maybe that's why, after 5 years in my undergrad, Moscow has almost completely lost its charm.

I don't know what to see to these people that act as though I've just told them I've been diagnosed with HIV-I when I tell them I'm in a working, hanging out, sort of grace period between my undergrad and the start of my career. Except to tell them that I didn't run home to mommy like everyone else and that I actually have had to work since day 1 in college, and that I've still got to work because I pay my own bills, so that's why I couldn't just up and go home.

I want to tell them to go hang out with the skeptics, who are the other group of people that are infuriating me at the moment (I feel like the Palouse region [meaning Moscow, Pullman, Lewiston, etc.] can be divided up into 3 groups of people right now who are reacting to my life choices: The Sympathies, The Skeptics, and The Supporters). But third-party skepticism of my life choices is a whole other post that's probably more rant-y and less rational.

Oh, internet. I'm glad that I can vent to you. When I look back at this chronicle of my post-grad existence, hopefully it'll be from a place where I can smile and just say "ha."

"Sometimes I feel
That I need to move on.
So I pack a bag
And move on;
Move on."

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Something I'm not proud of.

What a week it's been.

Look, I've got to talk about something.

In the interest of openness on my blog and for not holding anything back, I'm going to write about something very, very stupid that I did recently. It's difficult for me to reconcile how I feel about private matters and how I feel about public expression, so what you'll read about here is definitely the watered-down version of things. No apologies except those that are warranted.

Here's what happened:

There are certain things that you talk about when you've been in a relationship for a while that are of a private, sexual nature. Things that you talk about wanting to do as a couple that are off-putting when discussing with others because they're private matters and take a great deal of trust and love in order to discuss. One of those things might be adding another person in an adult situation where there are usually just two.

Well, said discussion is one that was had several times and was talked about with some sincerity and rational thought. Both of us in this relationship had expressed the desire for it to occur. So, I stupidly pursued a venture that I thought would have the outcome of making the scenario a reality. I started talking tot his third party on the internet about it.

In the end, it backfired. It backfired because it went a little too far with this third party, and it backfired because of previous stupid things that I've done which made my partner think something was going on when it wasn't. The point is, I screwed up.

Essentially, Josh thought that I'd cheated on him, which wasn't the case. Though what I did--Talking about private adult conversations with a third party--Is essentially cheating. There was no touching or even talking in person; just words exchanged with another person over the internet that were inappropriate and probably should've just stayed private (or at the very least should've included Josh). Still it was the idea that I would do such a thing that I honestly think constitutes some level of cheating.

I hurt 2 people: Josh and this other guy who I had conversations with. Neither of them are very happy with me right now.

Things are on the road to being okay, but there's still going to be this awkward, hurtful twinge in our relationship. Josh and I are both at fault here; I for doing it and he for looking through my social networking accounts without permission and assuming that something more had gone on. He had his reasons. Like I said, past indiscretions on my part drove him to those actions.

So we're moving on. We're trying to do better by each other--Mostly I'm trying to do better in general. I'm not excusing my actions, or his (especially not mine). But when you love someone, and you want to stay with them no matter what, then this is just how it works. It works because you make it work. It works because you acknowledge mistakes, and you work to right them.

And that's sort of why I haven't posted in a few days. I just needed to sort out the right words and put them plainly, and let logic be the one who speaks and not overwhelming emotion. Do I feel ashamed? Certainly. Awful? Of course. Disgusted at myself, marveling at the sheer idiocy of my actions, and worried I've committed relationship murder? Yeah, man. I definitely do.

But for now . . . Well, for now there's too much going on to let it ruin my life or his. We're too important as individuals and as a couple to let everything we've been working at fall apart. We're still going to move. We're still going to look for jobs with our degrees. We're still going to love and support each other.

Just keep on believing in us. And me.

I won't let anyone else down.

"I'm not a perfect person;
There's many things I wish that I didn't do.
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know:
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you."

Friday, March 6, 2009

What's in a name? And other things that happened to me today.

So, I heard that M.I.A. named her child Ickitt.

Dear people: It's not a pet. It's a person. A person who will one day grow up and hate you. But if the name is genuinely special to you, then fine. But I mean . . . Whatever happened to giving kids family names? Or variations on family names? Or just names like "Jack" or "Julie." Sigh.

EDIT: This just in, M.I.A. says that it's all a rumor. My bad, princess. And apparently the entire blogging universe's bad, too.

Today we got rid of our bookcase and our comfy vinyl couch, and then had some douche bag kid from the next town over straight up not show up to come and look at our dining table. More folks have expressed interest, though, and so hopefully we can actually sell some of our furniture and not just give it away. I'll miss you, The Green Couch!

I'm working to get some local bands to play in my store this month. If anyone knows of any bands or musicians in the Mosco-Pullman-Palouse area who'd be interested in playing a show for free in their local Hot Topic store, tell them to contact me, please! Josh's flyers promoting the opportunity are G-O-R-G-E-O-U-S and I'll be posting one on my Myspace page soon for all to enjoy.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me miss having Cable, PS.

This weekend is the annual Moscow Mardi Gras, which always takes place in March because February is just too damned cold to have an outdoors event. Of course we're supposed to have a high of 37 degrees tomorrow, so we'll see what happens. Hopefully all of the booze can keep me warm? I guess we'll have to wait and see! I'll post about tomorrow's misadventures once they've happened.

No, I haven't seen "Watchmen" yet. I can't go until Sunday. So blah.

"Slip inside the eye of your mind;
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play?
You said that you'd never been,
But all the things that you've seen
Will slowly fade away."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

If I had eight cats, would that make me "The Octu-crazy cat guy?"

So it's been a week since my last entry, and several mundane yet markedly important things have happened in both my life and the real world.

First, we began our transition to Seattle by putting some furniture on Craigslist (you can view our lil' ad here)and taking another load of old stuff to Goodwill. Our office room in the apartment is pretty barren at the moment and there's still another pile of stuff to be taken. It's kind of weird, but the lack of posters, old vinyl, and random whatnot on the walls makes sound echo in a peculiar way that really makes me feel that this whole moving thing is really going to be true. I moved a lot when I was younger, and so that echo-y sound definitely has that sense memory effect to it. It makes me think of U-Hauls, boxes, broken dishes, and eating pizza while sitting on moving boxes.

We're probably not going to go to Seattle again this coming weekend like we'd planned because of financial reasons. It's the first week of the month so pretty much every bill ever is due, which is something we didn't think about. So instead we've devoted the weekend to doing home repairs, trying to get our furniture sold, and generally doing things to move the process forward.

After searching around online for jobs in the Seattle area I'm a hell of a lot less scared about finding one. It turns out that as far as retail positions go I'm more than qualified, and for writing jobs you don't have to be too qualified when you're just starting out (at least that's what the internets tells me). I'll probably work at some customer service job again and write on the side for a while before I can become an office drone. And won't that be fun? Probably only slightly, but at least I'll be paid more. In ego boost news that's somewhat related to the topic of jobs, I got a call from the Moscow Old Navy store regarding a resume I turned in about 3 years ago saying that they'd like to interview me for a store manager position. I'm extremely flattered, of course, but obviously I can't take it. Still I might ask them if they know of anything in Seattle and re-submit my resume to the company. Old Navy is fine for a job; I like the clothes and I like the store itself, and I've had decent service at all of the ones I've been to.

This is all pending on the Hot Topic transfer, which is still in limbo. What's funny is that everyone on my end is super stoked and all for getting me to move yet stay within the company, but those in the Seattle area are the hardcore skeptics. After all, I'm an Idaho boy moving to "the big city" (cue the awkward, grizzled claim jumper/redneck voice) who is from a smaller store with much less volume. Oh well. I hope I don't have to change jobs, but I've said that before and once again my paying of bills and eating on a daily basis is more important to me for now. Sure I'd love to do these things with a job I love, but if it's not in the cards then it's just not in the cards! Time will tell, as it so often does.

To briefly comment on current events:

1- I want everyone to stop referring to that mother of 14 in CA as "The Octumom" because it sounds absurd and makes her sound like a 1950s sci-fi serial villain from outer space with designs on world domination. Come on, newspeople. Surely you can be more clever than this blatantly stupid moniker.

2- I saw that guy who created Facebook on The Today Show and really, truly think that he's some kind of high-functioning autistic. I also don't think he knows jack about what he's doing and that "connecting people and creating connections that connect people so that they can share information with each other" is just another word for a dating service. Good luck, sir.

3- There's that one study that says Conservatives are more likely to download (and pay for) pornography. This just in: Water is wet.

4- I still haven't done my taxes yet.

"Have I waited too long?
Have I found that someone?
Have I waited too long to see you?"