Sunday, March 22, 2009

Something I'm not proud of.

What a week it's been.

Look, I've got to talk about something.

In the interest of openness on my blog and for not holding anything back, I'm going to write about something very, very stupid that I did recently. It's difficult for me to reconcile how I feel about private matters and how I feel about public expression, so what you'll read about here is definitely the watered-down version of things. No apologies except those that are warranted.

Here's what happened:

There are certain things that you talk about when you've been in a relationship for a while that are of a private, sexual nature. Things that you talk about wanting to do as a couple that are off-putting when discussing with others because they're private matters and take a great deal of trust and love in order to discuss. One of those things might be adding another person in an adult situation where there are usually just two.

Well, said discussion is one that was had several times and was talked about with some sincerity and rational thought. Both of us in this relationship had expressed the desire for it to occur. So, I stupidly pursued a venture that I thought would have the outcome of making the scenario a reality. I started talking tot his third party on the internet about it.

In the end, it backfired. It backfired because it went a little too far with this third party, and it backfired because of previous stupid things that I've done which made my partner think something was going on when it wasn't. The point is, I screwed up.

Essentially, Josh thought that I'd cheated on him, which wasn't the case. Though what I did--Talking about private adult conversations with a third party--Is essentially cheating. There was no touching or even talking in person; just words exchanged with another person over the internet that were inappropriate and probably should've just stayed private (or at the very least should've included Josh). Still it was the idea that I would do such a thing that I honestly think constitutes some level of cheating.

I hurt 2 people: Josh and this other guy who I had conversations with. Neither of them are very happy with me right now.

Things are on the road to being okay, but there's still going to be this awkward, hurtful twinge in our relationship. Josh and I are both at fault here; I for doing it and he for looking through my social networking accounts without permission and assuming that something more had gone on. He had his reasons. Like I said, past indiscretions on my part drove him to those actions.

So we're moving on. We're trying to do better by each other--Mostly I'm trying to do better in general. I'm not excusing my actions, or his (especially not mine). But when you love someone, and you want to stay with them no matter what, then this is just how it works. It works because you make it work. It works because you acknowledge mistakes, and you work to right them.

And that's sort of why I haven't posted in a few days. I just needed to sort out the right words and put them plainly, and let logic be the one who speaks and not overwhelming emotion. Do I feel ashamed? Certainly. Awful? Of course. Disgusted at myself, marveling at the sheer idiocy of my actions, and worried I've committed relationship murder? Yeah, man. I definitely do.

But for now . . . Well, for now there's too much going on to let it ruin my life or his. We're too important as individuals and as a couple to let everything we've been working at fall apart. We're still going to move. We're still going to look for jobs with our degrees. We're still going to love and support each other.

Just keep on believing in us. And me.

I won't let anyone else down.

"I'm not a perfect person;
There's many things I wish that I didn't do.
And so I have to say before I go,
That I just want you to know:
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be.
A reason to start over new,
And the reason is you."

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